Experts urge holiday guests to reject family scripts

Adults facing the upcoming holiday season often struggle to distinguish their current needs from automatic behaviors learned in childhood. Connection expert Jenn Pinkerton states that family gatherings frequently trigger these old patterns. Individuals may find themselves managing others' emotions or withdrawing when tension rises. Pinkerton argues that recognizing this repetition is the necessary first step toward changing one's response.

The conflict centers on the gap between social expectations and personal capacity. Many people say yes to every family invitation to maintain peace. This habit often leads to resentment and exhaustion. Pinkerton notes that setting a boundary does not reduce the amount of love a person has for relatives. It simply acknowledges the individual's own limits while preserving the relationship.

Communicating these limits requires specific phrasing. Pinkerton advises against overexplaining a refusal. She suggests using a simple sentence such as, "I can't do that this year." For individuals who tend to withdraw, she recommends stating exactly what they can offer. An example she provides is, "I want to spend time with you and I need to leave by 7." She emphasizes that a family member can be disappointed by a decision even when that decision is correct for the individual.

The season also presents a specific challenge for those who feel isolated. The public narrative of the holidays emphasizes togetherness, which can make loneliness more visible. This feeling often affects people who are grieving, single, or estranged from relatives. It can also occur for those celebrating far from home. Pinkerton clarifies that loneliness is not strictly about being physically alone. It is about the lack of feeling seen, understood, and connected.

To address this gap, Pinkerton suggests three actionable steps. First, individuals should create a personal tradition. This could involve enjoying a specific breakfast, taking a walk, or watching a film. Second, they should take a small step toward connection. This involves sending a text or making a specific plan with a friend rather than waiting to feel festive. Third, individuals should redefine what a holiday looks like for them. This might include sharing a meal with one friend or celebrating on a different day.

People interacting with others during this season should also adjust their approach. Pinkerton warns against assuming someone spending the holidays alone is lonely. Instead, she recommends asking how the person is feeling. If the person enjoys company, the offer should be specific. Suggesting to stop by for dessert is a concrete way to provide an option without imposing a full event.

The upcoming days will test these strategies. Families will gather for dinners and celebrations. Individuals will face requests for their time and energy. The season does not require a picture-perfect gathering or constant cheer. Meaning can be found in setting a boundary, reaching out to a specific person, or allowing for a slow afternoon. The holiday season will begin shortly with these dynamics in play.